Chocolate and Sex
Thank you to one of my readers, Peter, for submitting this little gem.
Chocolate and Sex
Reasons Why Chocolate is better than Sex.
1) You can GET chocolate.
2) “If you love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind..
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9) The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of you workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12) You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there’s no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find..
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have chocolate it does not keep you neighbors awake.
20) With chocolate size doesn’t matter.
21) You don’t have to take the whole thing into your mouth at once
22) It melts in your mouth, not in your hand
23) Eating chocolate alone won’t grow hair on the palm of your hands.
24) Having chocolate in public won’t get you arrested on morals charges
25) You don`t have to stop in the middle to put on a condom.
26) You can have chocolate with your partner in a house full of relatives and not worry about them walking in on you.
27) You can have chocolate with a young boy and not be called Michael Jackson.
28) You can have chocolate all weekend long and still walk straight on Monday.
29) With chocolate there’s no need for a wrapper.
30) You can have chocolate in any size of room.
31) You can sell chocolate legally.
32) You can have AIDS and still have chocolate.
33) There are several different flavours of chocolate.
34) Don’t feel guilty to have chocolate even if your girlfriend is not in the mood for it.
35) Chocolate can make sex better, but sex doesn’t improve chocolate.
36) You don’t have to wash your chocolate before eating it.
37) You can have more than one chocolate at the same time.
38) Chocolate doesn’t complain if you don’t eat it right.
39) Chocolate doesn’t want to “talk about it” after you have it.
40) You don’t have to tell chocolate how good it was afterwards
41) Chocolate doesn’t mind if you want it during a football match on TV
42) Sex won’t solve your desire for chocolate, but chocolate can solve your desire for sex !
43) You never have to worry about “safe chocolate”
44) Chocolate doesn’t get cold feet.
45) You’re not considered impolite if you offer someone chocolate in an elevator
46) You don’t have to hug your chocolate for half an hour after having it.
47) You don’t have to finish all the chocolate to feel satisfied.
48) You can take chocolate anywhere and pull it out whenever.
49) Chocolate won’t get jealous if you have other chocolates.
50) You don’t have to keep your chocolates from finding out about each other!
51) Chocolate won’t ask if you love it, before letting you have it.
52) With chocolate, no one has to lay in the ‘wet spot’.
53) Most people can figure out which hole the chocolate goes into.
54) People won’t think you a tramp, if you have lots of different chocolate.
55) Chocolate doesn’t charge you by the hour
56) You don’t have to ask your chocolate if it was good – you know it was for you and who cares about anybody else
57) It’s just as good even when you’re awkward and inexperienced
58) Nobody ever wakes you up in the middle of the night asking you for it.
59) You’re almost always in the mood.
60) When you’re not in the mood, you don’t have to feel guilty or make lame excuses
Reasons Why Sex is Better than Chocolate
1) Sex is good exercise.
2) Sex doesn’t (need to) cost anything.
3) Sex doesn’t make you fat. (for more than nine months!)
4) You don’t need to have sex in the fridge in hot weather.
5) No one wants to watch videos of people eating chocolate.
6) You can’t bump up your housekeeping money by eating chocolate with strangers.
7) Sex doesn’t rot your teeth.
8) Sex doesn’t clog up your arteries.
9) No one asks questions about chocolate in a game of spin the bottle.
10) You can’t get a Tory MP to resign by eating chocolate with him when his wife’s not around.
11) Sex doesn’t get scarce in a cocoa famine.
12) Sex gets better the more people you share it with.
13) Chocolate doesn’t upset Mary Whitehouse.
14) Your mates aren’t impressed if you boast about eating chocolate four times the night before.
15) Women don’t have an evenings bawdy amusement passing around chocolate at an Anne Summers’ Party.
16) There’s more mileage out of four fingers in sex than four fingers of Kit-Kat.
17) You don’t need to throw up or take laxatives after gorging yourself on sex.
18) You can still eat chocolate if you have sex half a dozen times a day, but whose going to shag you if you spend every day eating chocolate.
19) People don’t think you’re sad if you’re sex mad and still drink Diet Pepsi.
20) A chocolate bar doesn’t get bigger when you rub it.
21) You’re not promised new kitchen units by having chocolate with your husband.
22) Its not easy to get chocolate at 2 in the morning in Birmingham.
23) You can have sex all weekend without getting spots on your face.
24) There’s no 0891 number for chocolate.
25) Sex would be more entertaining at the beginning of Coronation Street.
26) You can have sex between meals without ruining your appetite.
27) A day trip up north for a tour of Willy Wankers sex factory would be worth £l0.00
28) Death by chocolate doesn’t make headline news.
29) You’d be disappointed if you went on an 18-30 holiday and only got chocolate.
30) When you go down on a flake you get bits in your bed.
31) No one will take you to the pictures and buy you an expensive meal just because they want to get their hands on your chocolate.
32) Your kids don’t pester you for sex when you’re out.
33) Chocolate doesn’t get more exciting if you’re tied to the bed.
34) You Can have Sex if you’re Diabetic.
35) Sex Lasts Longer..Most of the Time
36) You Don’t Always have to Pay for Sex
37) Chocolate Can’t Lick/rub/scratch your back!
38) When Things Get Hot, Chocolate Gets Soft.
39) With Chocolate you Have to Swallow!
40) You Can’t Cuddle Chocolate Afterwards.
41) Chocolate is Cheap and Meaningless…(Do You Remember Your 1st Chocolate Experience?)
42) Chocolate makes You do all the Work…(un-Wrap it,nibble on it,Go down on it,Swallow it)
43) Guys never call.the next day because the chocolate was so good
44) If you get some that’s really terrific, nobody expects you to pass it around
45) You don’t have to import it from Belgium to get the very best
46) Sharing great chocolate with a guy won’t inspire him to paint your apartment or kiss you in the middle of the dance floor so passionatley it makes that guy who dumped you really jealous
47) No matter how much you think about it, read about it and do it, it’s still just as interesting
48) Can keep you warm on a cold night
49) Doing it in the dark under the covers in secret doesn’t make you feel like you need to see a therapist
50) Makes you forget about your weight instead of reminding you of it
51) May lead to love and marriage
52) May lead to the creation of actual human beings!
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